11 Jokes Only Smart People Will Get

Clickbait header! Did it work on you?
It reeled me in like a carp on a tiger nut.
Now some might say intellectual
humor isn’t as funny as a good
fart joke, but you still expect
to be amused on some level.
Or challenged, if the joke is
some “next level” shit. But these
weren’t funny or smart. Here
they are in no particular order~

1: What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

2: There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who read binary, and those who don’t.

3: There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

4: A Freudian slip is when you meant to say one thing but you accidentally say Mother.

5: Welcome to plastic surgery anonymous. I see we have a lot of new faces here tonight.

6: A photon going through airport security: “I don’t have baggage, I’m travelling light”

7: C,Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartenders says “sorry we don’t serve minors”.

8: A palindrome walks into a bar, says “Syasraba otni sklawem ordnilapa”.

9: Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

10: There’s a new band called 1023MB. They haven’t got any gigs yet.

11:

Well, I do like 11 a little bit. Probably because I remember that stupid intro song.

And who said “camp” never made it on tv?

One for the road:

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

You guys have any good jokes? I sure don’t.

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26 Responses to 11 Jokes Only Smart People Will Get

  1. Steve Ruis says:

    Groan … groan … the only positive response allowed for groaners.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hariod Brawn says:

    I just told my pet owl that I got engaged to be married. He said, “You twit, to who?”

    Liked by 6 people

  3. Judy says:

    I was cool with the groaners but Batman has handed me an earworm that may force me to listen to “Under the Boardwalk” and Alvin just to get rid of it. Then again, it’s like using sticky tape to remove sticky tape from your fingers…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The Veterinarian
    ————————-

    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
    of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
    happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
    the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
    distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

    This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
    approached her. “Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000
    a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

    “Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I
    give some of it to the church.”

    The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

    The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

    The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do
    for a living?”

    “He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

    “That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he
    practice?”

    The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
    Vegas and one in Reno.”

    Liked by 5 people

  5. kjennings952 says:

    [Qualifier: I have teenage boys]:

    If you’re Russian going into the bathroom and Finnish coming out, what are you in between?
    European.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Quixie says:

    These actually made me laugh out loud, which is a rare thing. Bravo!

    Liked by 2 people

    • persedeplume says:

      Thanks Quixie! I’m glad you enjoyed them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Three Explorers
        ————————-
        Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days
        with no food and little water…
        One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they
        crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a
        Cannibal’s Restaurant.
        Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the
        little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the
        clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
        “Par boiled Priest $12.00
        Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
        Steamed Politician $198.50”
        They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a
        table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered,
        one of the explorers asked the waiter, “Can you help me understand
        your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third
        item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?”
        “Are you kidding?” replied the waiter. “Did you ever try to
        CLEAN one of those suckers?”

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Situation in Hell

        The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
        Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
        Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
        One student, however, wrote the following:
        First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
        As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
        With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
        This gives two possibilities:
        1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
        2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
        So which is it?
        If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you”, and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
        The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting “Oh, my God!”
        THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”. 😈😈

        Liked by 2 people

        • Nan says:

          Heard/read this before, but it never loses its impact. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

          Like

        • persedeplume says:

          Here’s a couple you might enjoy:

          I have an EPI pen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it,

          The temptation to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away.

          What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

          Liked by 1 person

      • Mouse Balls
        ————————-

        NOTE: I don’t know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
        This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
        employees. It went to all the company’s field engineers, and it was in
        regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
        quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
        last sentence!)

        INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

        Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
        Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
        it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
        procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
        properly trained personnel.

        Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
        underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
        foreign balls.

        Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
        mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
        balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

        Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
        can result in sudden discharge.

        Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
        It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
        optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
        contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
        necessary items.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Talking Frog
        ————————-

        A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
        He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

        “Pick me up.”

        He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

        “Pick me up.” He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

        The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

        The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.

        Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
        ever seen.

        I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.”

        The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

        Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?

        I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

        He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

        “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

        Liked by 2 people

      • ————————-
        Clarence
        ————————-

        There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

        He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn’t he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

        He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn’t realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: “CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN”

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian

    This post originally appeared at craigslist.

    10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
    9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
    8 – You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
    7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!
    6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
    5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
    4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
    3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.
    2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
    1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.

    Liked by 1 person

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