His most Royal Highness, the DuhDonald makes a proclamation to all the plebes throughout the land
Therefore, on the first day of my term of office, my administration will immediately pursue the following six measures to clean up the corruption and special interest collusion in Washington, DC:
* FIRST, propose a Constitutional Amendment to impose term limits on all members of Congress;
If Trump wants GOP support for this he’ll have to restrict term limits to women, brown people, homos, liberals, atheists, and Democrats
* SECOND, a hiring freeze on all federal employees to reduce federal workforce through attrition (exempting military, public safety, and public health);
It’s also fortunate young interns don’t get paid, and will remain available for the various crotch grabbing and sexual assault. Rent boys for the GOP come from a different fund and is on the Down Low for its “family values” members. I wonder if Congressional staff falls under this.
* THIRD, a requirement that for every new federal regulation, two existing regulations must be eliminated;
I love, love, love this one. Let this one sink in for a minute. One of my readers who is a maths officiando can figure out how long it will take to eliminate all regulations completely. Yes, at some point, when all the other regulations are eliminated, under this proviso no new regulation will be allowed.
* FOURTH, a 5 year-ban on White House and Congressional officials becoming lobbyists after they leave government service;
Five years is the appropriate time? How about oh, never?
* FIFTH, a lifetime ban on White House officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government;
When did this get to be a problem?
* SIXTH, a complete ban on foreign lobbyists raising money for American elections.
I’m sure it’s a simple oversight they forgot to include “accepting money from foreign lobbyists” because we wouldn’t want any obvious loopholes would we?
And for the bonus round, also on DAY ONE~
* FIRST, I will announce my intention to renegotiate NAFTA or withdraw from the deal under Article 2205
This will immediately build trust and credibility in the world that we won’t honor commitments to negotiated deals memorialized in writing and law.
* SECOND, I will announce our withdrawal from the Trans-Pacific Partnership
I’m not sure I can think of a downside to this.
* THIRD, I will direct my Secretary of the Treasury to label China a currency manipulator
Just the first step in escalating tension between the US and China.
* FOURTH, I will direct the Secretary of Commerce and U.S. Trade Representative to identify all foreign trading abuses that unfairly impact American workers and direct them to use every tool under American and international law to end those abuses immediately
Yeah, sounds good in theory, but moving labor and manufacturing to low wage markets to maximize profit is completely legal as Trump knows perfectly well. He makes use of these practices himself.
* FIFTH, I will lift the restrictions on the production of $50 trillion dollars’ worth of job-producing American energy reserves, including shale, oil, natural gas and clean coal.
Drill baby drill.
* SIXTH, lift the Obama-Clinton roadblocks and allow vital energy infrastructure projects, like the Keystone Pipeline, to move forward
Leak and pollute baby, leak and pollute.
* SEVENTH, cancel billions in payments to U.N. climate change programs and use the money to fix America’s water and environmental infrastructure
Well duh. Climate change is a Chinese hoax. Everyone knows that.
Additionally, on the first day, I will take the following five actions to restore security and the constitutional rule of law:
* FIRST, cancel every unconstitutional executive action, memorandum and order issued by President Obama
Someone will probably have to explain to Donald what unconstitutional executive actions are, probably numerous times.
* SECOND, begin the process of selecting a replacement for Justice Scalia from one of the 20 judges on my list, who will uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States
Because only GOP Presidents are allowed to do this free of any obstruction from Democrats.
* THIRD, cancel all federal funding to Sanctuary Cities
Um. Congress much? But have at it.
* FOURTH, begin removing the more than 2 million criminal illegal immigrants from the country and cancel visas to foreign countries that won’t take them back
This 2 million figure is fungible evidently. Best to start small though. Someone should suggest that illegals be conscripted to work on the “wall”. That way we might manage a profit with free labor and Mexico paying for the materials.
* FIFTH, suspend immigration from terror-prone regions where vetting cannot safely occur. All vetting of people coming into our country will be considered extreme vetting.
Translation: End all immigration except for hot mail order brides.